MODERATOR at 2:32 p.m. ET
Welcome Bonnie Eaker Weil! Thanks for joining us.
You say more than 50 percent of married woman cheat on their
husbands. What percentage of married men cheat on their wives?
BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 2:34 p.m. ET
Approximately 70 percent. Those statistics come from my book Adultery:
The Forgivable Sin, and from research that I've done over the years.
The reason I'm concerned is because adultery is at epidemic
proportions right now. We know how to fall in love but we don't know how
to stay in love. I think it's time that we do something about this
problem. I believe it's a disorder and a disease.
MODERATOR at 2:35 p.m. ET
Why do you believe adultery is a "forgivable sin"?
Another statistic: Only 35 percent of unions survive an affair.
Sixty-five percent of marriages break up because of adultery, and the
reason is because of the emotional affairs. Most of them happen at work.
The reason that a woman cheats on her husband, most of the time, is
for an emotional affair � because she's not getting the validation at
home, she's not being listened to, she's being dismissed, she feels
invisible, he's not spending enough time with her.
Also, I want to explain that men are less forgiving of affairs than
women. When a woman has a physical affair, she's risking her marriage
more than a man who has a physical affair. Women are more forgiving.
Oftentimes, a woman will commit adultery because she didn't marry for
love � she married because her biological clock was ticking, or she
married for money, etc., and she knows if she had an affair, it could
very well end the relationship.
Women also feel worse about breaking up the family. They'll have an
affair so they can leave without having too much guilt.
Do men and women cheat for the same or for entirely different
reasons? (i.e., does the man cheat because he wants a prettier/younger
partner vs. a woman cheats primarily because of lost affection?)
BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 3:01 p.m. ET
They absolutely cheat for different reasons.
As you'll see from my statistics, men are cheating more now for
emotional affairs. As men go into midlife crisis, they are looking for
intimacy. The affairs are more emotionally connected as opposed to
physical.
Women, on the other hand, since they're out in the workplace wearing
miniskirts, are looking for physical validation. If a woman commits
adultery and she did marry her husband for love, she'll commit adultery
for the physical part of it the way men used to do years ago.
We're seeing those trends. Men looking for intimacy and women looking
for sex � the role-reversal.
GLENN at 3:02 p.m. ET
Is a woman more likely to cheat on you in marriage if she has cheated on
you in a committed non-marriage relationship?
BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 3:04 p.m. ET
Absolutely � and that's why I ask you to do a Cheat-O-Gram, which is a
family tree to check out on both sides of the family where the cheating
was, because adultery, as I say in my book, is an emotional inheritance
that is transmitted from generation to generation. If they do have it in
their family, they should receive professional help to prevent it from
coming up again.
MODERATOR at 3:05 p.m. ET
"Oncebitten" writes: "I believe your 50 percent +
statistic as it did happen in my marriage. My question is. Once it has
happened, discovered and forgiven how likely is it going happen again?
What is the percentage of reoccurrence?"
BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 3:08 p.m. ET
The first step is to make a promise with an adultery contract. The
adultery contract is to be set up between the two of you, and you
promise that you will not cheat again. Forgiveness only comes when you
stop.
I've found that when people make up the contract, they don't cheat
again because they've realized how precious their relationship is. The
saying, "Once a cheat, always a cheat," is not true. I
have a 1 percent relapse rate among my patients, and that 1 percent rate
is for people who had a bio-chemical craving for connection.
There is a biochemical component for adultery that you find in people
who commit adultery again and cannot stop. But they really are out of
control and need to get their neurotransmitters and hormones back in
balance.
I'm not excusing these people, but I'm letting you know that if your
dopamine is low or if your testosterone is low, you're going to have low
satisfaction and joy, and you're going to look to overcompensate with a
new partner.
The trick is to have an affair with your own partner and to raise the
passion level between the two of you.
SCOTT at 3:10 p.m. ET
How many people cheat with members of the same sex?
BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 3:11 p.m. ET
I know it's very common but I don't have the statistics. I know it's
happening more and more, and I'm seeing it more and more in my practice
because of cybersex � because it's safe and not as risky. They can
have the affair emotionally.
New Study Reveals . . .
Cheating Makes Your Marriage Stronger
Friday November 29, 2002
By MATT BETT
TURIN, Italy -- Thou shalt not commit adultery . . . unless you want
a stronger marriage! According to a new study, husbands and wives who
cheat on each other are more likely to stay together.
Dr. Lucielle Ostertag from the Italian Institute of Social Sciences
conducted the controversial research.
"I started the analysis project to discover how damaging infidelity
was to marriages," says Dr. Ostertag. "I was as surprised as
everyone when the numbers proved that cheating on your spouse is
actually good for your marriage."
According to the scientific survey, the more extramarital flings a
couple enjoys, the more likely they are to remain together and the
happier they will be.
"Some of the strongest unions I studied included spouses who each
were involved in repeated extramarital affairs throughout the
relationship," explains Dr. Ostertag. "My findings have turned
our preconceived notion of the strength of monogamy on its head."
Christian psychologist and family values researcher Rob Hallidoy finds
the study troubling. "This study is irresponsible and
unsound," exclaims Hallidoy. "I don't care what her research
shows, adultery simply is not good for families."
"Not every extramarital affair is good," admits Dr. Ostertag.
"Long-term relationships outside of marriage were found to be quite
damaging. Also, test subjects who had flings with local townsfolk did
not enjoy the marital benefits that were realized by those who had
flings with people who lived far away."
Dr. Ostertag has developed a set of guidelines for those who want to try
cheating as a way of making their marriage stronger.
The Long Distance Rule: Any time you are out of your own area code, it
doesn't count as cheating. Even better is to be out of state. Dr.
Ostertag notes the further you are away from home, the better off you
are, as it increases the likelihood of not getting caught.
Don't Ask/Don't Tell: Never ask your spouse about their infidelities,
and never say a word about yours. The less you both know, the better.
Live guilt-free: As long as you and your spouse have an understanding
that you can both cheat equally, neither of you ever has to feel any
guilt about what you have done.
Don't keep in touch with the people you cheat with: A one-night stand is
supposed to be just that: One night of passion. Any time you try to
extend it beyond that, you run the risk of hurt feelings and jealousy.
Dr. Ostertag notes that after many years of marriage, partners can grow
tired of each other. "It's inevitable for some familiarity to set
in. But by bringing a little variety in, with new short-term partners,
you can help keep a relationship healthy and strong for many years to
come."
|
